So These Penguins Fans Named Their Newborn Baby "Malkin Crosby"

There are terrible parents all across this nation and all across the globe. That’s just the way life goes. People suck. They’ve sucked for ages and they’ll continue to suck for many years to come. But out of all the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad people in this world who should really be force-fed birth control, this Pittsburgh Penguin superfan couple takes the cake.

Welcome to the world, Malkin Crosby Long. We LOVE the name. And Malkin’s future brother? He’ll be Beau Bennett Long. pic.twitter.com/S4mEusOyMF

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) February 24, 2015

Remember that family that wanted to name their son Hitler? Well that’s child’s play compared to this. I mean what a bunch of assholes. Babies are awesome. Bringing new life into the world is great. But why the hell would you ruin this kid’s life just moments after it started? You’ve chained him to the city of Pittsburgh and I would never wish that fate upon anyone. I’m not saying Child Protective Services should go in there and do their job, but I think Child Protective Services needs to go in there and do their job. Also, we as a people need a court-ordered vasectomy for this man if they’re gonna go with “Beau Bennett” for their next child. Malkin and Crosby are enormous bitches, sure. But at least they’re talented. Who the fuck wants to be named after Beau Bennett? I can dig the fact that he’s an American but c’mon. These parents are the worst and for that matter, so are all Penguins “fans”.